1980 Kelly Marie: Feels Like I'm In Love

From the streets and clubs of New York, disco spread it's influence as far and wide as Paisley, Scotland, where Jacqueline McKinnon heeded the trumpet call, changed her name to Kelly Marie, (but not bothering to hide one chip of her hard as granite Scots accent) and hit number one with this Ray Dorset (of Mungo Jerry fame) track that was originally intended for Elvis Presley. I'm not certain what sort of fist Mr Presley would have made of it, but I don't think it could have been too much worse than this.

Dance music is often derided as being machine made by and robotic in structure. There are plenty of examples that disprove this overly simplistic and one eyed viewpoint, but in 'Feels Like I'm In Love', the prosecution has it's key witness. The jury will observe that from the opening bars, the whole thing chugs along like a horse drawn cart with an offset wheel that ensures any smooth ride is going to be broken at regular intervals along the way. Let the jury further note that although dance music is meant to be liberating in both mind and body, the only 'dance' that can be realistically 'done' to this is to either march up and down on the spot, or to mime pulling an imaginary rope in time to the music. It works best too if your back is kept ramrod straight. The more adventurous may do both together, but any attempts at moving the hips, head or shoulders will soon see you all at sea. Just keep in mind a fixed robotic arm spot welding car frames on a production line and you'll not go far wrong.

The only concession to this is that you may mime pushing an imaginary button or throwing an imaginary switch whenever the 'boop boops' arrive - and don't worry, they're well telegraphed by the lyrics which Ms Marie shrieks out in a thick Caledonian squall that is more pint pot than cut glass. Filming the video on a battleship harboured off the North Sea with two men dressed as sailors may have been a cynical attempt to catch the gay ear, but it did nothing to hide the illusion that this was a cheap as chips own brand Corn Flakes. You had to go elsewhere for the Kellogg's because Kelly sure as hell wasn't selling it.